Infrequently asked questions

Did Elvis visit Twerton? (Mervyn Presley, no fixed abode)
Mervyn, I can exclusively reveal that the answer is “yes”! In my boozer The Smarme’s Arms in Twerton, scratched onto the wall of the Ladies, is the inscription “Elvis Woz Yurr”. Irrefutable proof I’m sure you’ll agree.

Bill, any tips on getting quick service in a crowded bar? (I.P.Freely in Bath)
Best thing I’ve found is to take the barman half a dozen new-laid eggs from time to time. If you don’t keep chickens, get some from the Co-op, put ‘em in a brown paper bag and he’ll never know the difference.

Have you got any tips on healthy eating? (Peter Burrow from Peterborough).
It’s important to eat seasonally Peter. You’ve asked this question at Easter time and so look out now for hot cross buns and fresh chocolate rabbit. In my line of work it’s important to get a substantial meal before a gig and I would recommend pie, beans, and chips for the ladies and same for blokes but double chips.

Bill, you have been described as the world’s most fabulous man. Do you honestly consider this to be a fair description?   (Esther from Leicester).
Well of course it is exceptional, but it is a title which has so far gone unchallenged, to the best of my knowledge.

What is the secret of your undoubted success with ladies? (and women).  (Jerry from Bury).
Persistence my friend. Never take no for an answer. See me video for some hot tips on chattin ‘em up.

I understand you give music lessons – what could you teach me? (Gary from Barry).
This is true. I do teach rock guitar which is the only kind of music worth bothering with. I teach all aspects – strumming, plectrum care, posture, stage movement without injury, where to put your drink for easy access, how to handle groupies, where to handle groupies, keeping chickens – all inclusive for a one-off £548 fee plus WAT.

Have you written any books? (Don Caster from Doncaster).
I most certainly have my friend. There’s a couple of cookery classics – ‘Fried Food For All Occasions’ and ‘Easy Tarts’, and travel books ‘Can I Go Home Now Please’ and ‘Getting to Argate’. (“…quite a book.” Bath Chronicle). More in the pipeline.

Is it true you have Rolf Harris’s autograph? (Pete from Street).

Do you have any pastimes? (Chrissie from Mevagissy).
I’m very interested in crossword and sudoku puzzles but haven’t got a clue how to do ‘em. If you’d like to give me your address Chrissie, maybe I could come round and you could show me and we could talk about any other “pastimes” you might be thinking of. I have a very open and adult mind. (Actually, could you also send train fare to Mevagissy).

How do I get to “The Smarme’s Arms”? (Jude from Bude).
Practise, lady, practise.

Is it true that you’re just like a normal person? (Lawrence from Weston).
That’s absolutely right, us rock stars are just like you, only famous, with loads of women hanging round, and as much beer and chips as you can manage. I very often give tips on becoming a rock star at our gigs Lawrence, so come along, you may learn something.